Take Me To Neverland

I'm just as guilty as the next person when it comes to rushing through my years. We all know that feeling. Wanting to quickly grow up always wishing you were older. I know, myself, I had this idea in my mind that the older you were the better you were. I constantly wished I was another year older, I my final few years imagining my life in high school and I can honestly say that it definitely did not amount to what I had thought. If I had taken more time to appreciate my life as I was living it I probably wouldn't be so upset with myself now for rushing through everything that could have made a great memory. This may explain my ongoing obsession with everything Disney and playing in snow, or really anything remotely childlike. I'm not ready to grow up and I may never be a hundred percent ready. In a way I can see why I love Peter Pan as much as I do. I love the youthfulness that he represents and I always imagine myself being dragged away to Neverland where it is acceptable to be childlike, after all adults aren't allowed. Unfortunately I'm too old for that. I miss the days of my naiveness. The days I believed in things like Santa and the Easter Bunny. There is no clear division in which I stopped believing because I held onto it for so long. It was something I still can't bare to let go of and every time I refer to Santa when talking to a little child, there's a sadness in me because I know that one day that excitement will end for them too. I still remember the day that my 10 year old sister, 8 at the time, asked me if Santa was just my mom and dad. My heart broke and I strongly enforced that Santa was indeed real, I still don't know for sure if she believed me, but I hope for the sake of her childhood that she did.
In a previous blog post where I answered 50 questions to free my mind, I stated that if I could go back to any age I would choose 12, but now that I have thought more about it, I want to go back to a 5 year old. Still young and innocent and filled with great images and dreams about the world and wishing Peter Pan would come and take me away.

Musical Memories

Do you ever hear a song and instantly remember something from your past? Like that memory is linked to that specific song and every time you hear it the memory replays itself? I can honestly say that nearly every song in my life is linked to a memory, usually good ones. If I listen to my mom's favourite artist, Bon Jovi, I can generate memory on top of memory and I appreciate this. I can remember the good times I've had with my mom through music that appeals to me. It helps me see why I like my mom and overpowers the reasons I don't. Simple memories are so often taken for granted that I have learned to be grateful for the times I remember my mom dancing around the living room with my siblings and I to Lost Highway (Bon Jovi), or how she would sing me to bed nearly every night with Hey Jude or Til' There Was You by The Beatles. It's a new way for me to cherish my childhood. I have playlists that act as my own photo album or home videos, because with every song comes a new memory from my past. I remember Picture by Kid Rock coming on while I was in Subway with my mom just after the song came out and both of us started singing along to it because it was our favourite song at the time. It's such a simple thing to do, but so special in my own way.

Life is Pointless

I'm a big people watcher. Often times I imagine the lives of the people I'm watching, what kind of lives they live and if mine will ever amount to the great things I envision these random strangers accomplishing. It leaves me wondering if anyone ever pictures me leading a perfect life as I wait in line for my coffee. Thinking I have everything together. It's kind of funny when you think about it. No one person leads a perfect life, yet it's what everyone hopes for in their future. The idea of perfect may differ from one person to the next, but in general it's what we all expect. Perfect is one of those words that bothers me. It gives a sense of false hope and just leads to disappointment. It sounds negative, but it's just the harsh truth. No one pictures themselves failing in life, we all have this idea of this supreme future. For me, it's being married with kids, having my PhD., my own office for child therapy, a dog, I could go as far as describing my house to you. I fail to imagine the possibility of divorce, the inability to conceive, failing out of school. We don't see these things happening to us. Divorce is something that happens to your neighbours, not you. It's like cancer. When it happens to someone else it's a sad unfortunate event in life, but when it happens to you, you can't believe it.

Call me negative, cynical, worrisome. Point is I simple don't care. Life almost seems worthless. You go through following the same patterns as every other person. You face struggles, you overcome them or you don't, then one day it just all ends. Your short blip in millions of years, an infinite universe comes to an end and you'll simply be a memory that fades away.

It almost reminds me of the feeling I get in a crowded shopping mall or street. Everyone bustling around you, worrying about their own problems. If you weren't there, no one would notice. You would just be one less body to move around. When time goes on after you die, you slowly become that person on the street that no one notices. No one will know how many hours you wasted away scrolling on the internet, or where you bought your groceries every Sunday afternoon. Because these minute memories and actions fade away with you. Even people in history have faded away. Everyone remembers Hitler and what he did in Germany, but no one knows him beyond that and no one ever will.

Looking Good

If you've been keeping up with my blog, you would know that I have been terrified to  go back to school, and I had every right to be. Last year I had such an awful experience that I wasn't sure I wanted to come back this year, I went into more detail about this in my last post. 

Today, I want to share with you how much better it's been so far. Though i'm still not sure I want to be at school still, things are looking up. As of now I've only had one class but I loved it! The prof was great and he made being there enjoyable. I have my second class in less than an hour and I'm already excited for this one. It's German and since that is my background, I'm so set on learning the language already. As of now, the roommate department is running smoothly. The guy I'm living with I havent really talked to yet, but from what I've seen and heard he is really easy going and nice. I've already hit it off with the three girls and they are more focussed on school than partying which is what I  was looking for. 

This was only a quick update so it was a little bit on the shorter side, but I thought I should share my good experiences while I'm still having them!

Ready To Go Back?

If you've kept up to date with my blog then you would know that I had a rough time last year while I was away at University. I lived in a residence townhouse with 4 other girls and had to share my room with one of them. This year coming up, I have found a place off campus with 3 girls and 1 guy that are all going into their last year of University and are very focussed on their schooling. Since I've been home for the summer, I've found a job and have been keeping myself busy constantly. I do still have my few friends that I made from the end of last year, but since starting my new job (cashier at a grocery store), I've found that I now have an easier time talking to people I don't know and with that am becoming more confident than I was before. Keeping this in mind, I am hopeful for this year and getting along with my new roommates. With move in day being two days from now, I am only now packing and am slowly starting to feel the stress of not having everything ready and with that not being ready for school as a whole. This being caused by the fact that I don't want to be there.

 I've had my experience with school and for the most part, I did not enjoy it. In fact, I rarely enjoyed the social part of it as well. I finally told my mom and grandma when I may have had a huge breakdown and neither of them were very understanding. The pressure continued and despite the amount of times my mom has told me she will support my decision, she hasn't seemed very supportive with me just wanting to stay with my job for now so that I can save up, move out for good, and figure out what I want out of life from there. At this point in my life I would rather concentrate on my own happiness and going away to school won't be helpful. Maybe in the future when I have figured things out I will be more open to it and it might even make me happy being there. For me the happiest place right now is work. It gets me out of the house and the people I work with are all pleasant and nice people. I may even have a slight crush on a co-worker, but shh...don't tell anyone!

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
This is an interesting question to start with because I consider myself to be an old soul and I love the idea with the freedom and responsibilities of adulthood, but I'm also not ready to throw my childhood away. So I suppose taking both of these into consideration, I'd probably say I'm around 12. Not yet through my awkward stage yet still in the maturing process.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Hands down never trying. I'd rather try to find the things that I am successful at by failing at the things I'm not, than live in fear of failing everything I try.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many thing we don't like and like so many things we don't do?
First of all, because we have to do so many things we don't like because society tells us we have to. As human beings we conform. Second of all experience, we can't know if we don't like something if we've never tried it. As for liking things we don't do, I believe it's the mystery and adventure of it. It gives you something to look forward to and by not doing it, you'll appreciate it even more when given the chance to try it.

4. When it's all said and done, will you have said more that you've done?
For me, probably. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love to talk whether I know what it is I'm talking about or not. So when it comes down to it, I believe that I'll have wasted so much time talking about the things I could be doing than actually doing them.

5. What is the one thing you'd love to change about the world?
Definitely the way we allow society to define us and what normal is. I know a more typical answer would be "ending all war" or "poverty" but when it comes down to it, I believe that if society was more accepting and people were able to live the way they wanted to, these bigger problems will solve themselves.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Teaching. Whether it's by the books in a classroom or travelling the world and spreading my own personal knowledge, I love the idea of helping people understand.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I'd like to think that I am doing what I believe in and I can assure you that I am even if it's just the slightest bit. I don't let people influence the way I think. When I have an opinion, it's my opinion and it's next to impossible to change it. But then in a way I am settling. I don't always allow myself to use my full potential.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I'd mainly work on my bucket list 20x faster! There are so many adventurous things that I would love to do and haven't because I'm lacking the time or money.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
Considering I am only 18 and only live away from my parents September-April, probably not entirely. Like most people my parents have a big impact on the outcome of my life so far, but they don't set too many limitations for me. We bargain in a way. I had to go to post secondary, but I could choose whatever it was I wanted to go for, as an example.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
Probably doing the right things. Everyone has a different take on what doing the right thing is and I feel like as long as I follow my own beliefs I'll be a happier person.

11. You're having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
Without a doubt stand up for my friend. If I respect and admire these people I should be able to be honest and open with them, then I should reconsider how much I admire them. I take my friendships very seriously because I do have a hard time connecting with new people so when someone close to me is being disrespected in any form I feel compelled to stop it.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Don't rush growing up. You'll get to experience life in all the different stages eventually. Take your time and appreciate every day of it.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
This ties into doing things right or doing the right thing. It would have to depend not the situation and what I consider to be the right thing. If breaking the law happens to be it then, yes I would.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Everyday! My brain works in such a way that I don't even understand it sometimes, but it's constantly working and analyzing and coming up with new ideas. Then at times it makes me consider throwing myself into a hospital!

15. What's something you know you do differently than most people?
Back to the previous question, I truly believe that I have a different way of thinking and working things out in my mind.

16. How come the things that make me happy don't make everyone happy?
Everyone is different. Therefore everyone is made happy in a different way.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?
It may sound kind of stupid to some, but experience romantic love. I'm too afraid of sharing my feelings and am way to self-conscious for my own good that I just can't put myself into that kind of situation.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
Most definitely! I don't let anything go and probably one of my biggest flaws.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Austria. Besides the fact that it is my background, I love how it's not entirely modernized and some of the olden day traditions are still carried on, plus CASTLES!

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really think it makes the elevator go faster?
This question made me laugh because yes I do! But I really don't think it moves any faster, I'm just so impatient that pressing it once isn't enough.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
A joyful simpleton. I feel like I'd have more time to appreciate the little things than if I were too busy worrying all the time.

22. Why are you, you?
I like being me. I don't know how to be anyone else. Sure there are things I'd like to change about myself, but even when I try to, I can't because it simply isn't me.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you'd want as a friend?
Probably not. I find I don't always think twice before speaking and I can say some pretty harsh things, my friends now are troopers for staying by my side for so long!

24. Which is worse, a good friend moving away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Definitely losing touch with a good friend who lives near you. It's so much easier to keep in touch when you live so close that when you let someone slip through your fingers so easily it feels awful. At least when they move away and you keep in contact you've practically proven that your friendship is indestructible!

25. What are you most grateful for?
Nature. It's the most calming thing in my life. Whenever I feel stressed I can go on a  walk or sit at the park for a few hours just letting my mind wander as I appreciate the sky and the trees blowing in the wind.

26. Would you rather lose all your old memories or not be able to make new ones?
Since I have such a good memory, I wouldn't be able to handle losing all my old memories. It's soothing to be able to look back on my life and be swarmed with feelings of nostalgia.

27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
No. It's like saying you're afraid of roller coasters without ever riding one. You may just be nervous about trying it, but until you've tried it and realized that it's just not enjoyable in the slightest bit then you can say you're afraid of roller coasters.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Fear in general, no. Unless I so happened to miss being covered head to toe in spiders. Personal fear, yes. Disappointing my parents, it's the worst feeling knowing that something you did hurt the people that made you.

29. Do you remember that time five years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it matter now?
Considering five years ago I was thirteen, of course it doesn't matter. I remember thinking I had it so bad and always being so angry with my parents when really I was just a really dramatic preteen girl struggling with hormones and puberty.

30. What's your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
I was probably about 6 or 7 around this time and it was during a trip to our family cottage. My Oma and Opa were there, my parents, my aunt, and my great grandma who is still kicking today! We were taking a walk to the beach to watch the sunset and I got to go on the swings, play in the sand, and even stand on someone's boat. I remember taking a picture with my great grandma holding me in her lap while sitting on the edge of the boat. It was one of the last times my great grandma was able to truly enjoy herself at the cottage because later that year her arthritis got really bad and she wasn't able to walk on the beach anymore.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
This may sound strange, but when I got to go through my first ever haunted house just a few weeks ago. I had a few experiences there and since I've always loved the paranormal I felt so enthusiastic all day. Not to mention I got to explore it with two of my good friends!

32. If not now, then when?
I'm not sure if this question is in relation to the previous one or just as a general question. I'll answer it as general since that came to mind first. If it isn't now, then it will be whenever I am ready and whenever I feel comfortable.

33. If you haven't achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Nothing. I have to keep on trying until I am able to accomplish even my most impossible dreams.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you've just had the best conversation ever?
All the time. In fact most of my best conversations are the ones where nothing is said. That's the beauty about being to connect with someone on such an intimate level.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
This is one of the reasons I am not religious. In a way I consider religions to be like a cult. If you don't believe something the same way as that religion it becomes a problem and that religion tries to make you think the way that they do. When it doesn't work even more problems are created. (This is just my own opinion, I am in no way trying to offend anyone. Just because I don't believe in religion doesn't mean I'll tell other people not to.)

36. It is possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
No way! Again, everyone has their own beliefs so what one may consider good, could be the biggest act of evil for someone else. It's all your own personal belief.

37. If you won a million dollars would you quit your job?
It all depends on how happy I am at the job. If I am doing something I love, why would I stop just because I am rich enough to afford it. I'm going to keep doing what makes me happy.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
More work. If I enjoy doing it why should it matter? It's like when I had homework in the classes I loved doing, I always wished I had more!

39. Do you feel like you've lived this day a hundred times before?
Yes. I feel like that all the time, especially when I stay inside the house all day because I'm usually just doing the same things I always do.

40.When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
About a week and a half ago. I remembered a sliver of a dream and it led me to do something that I would've talked myself out of any other time.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
Anyone I hadn't seen in a long time, or had unresolved issues with.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
I almost said yes to the attractive part of this question because there are so many times that I feel like I am too self-conscious to amount to anything, but then I reconsidered immediately after. I would't want to through away all the opportunities that I would've had in those ten years for something that society has constructed. Everyone has their own beauty and even if I don't feel like I do, deep down I know it's not true.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Being alive is your mere existence, truly living is what you decide to do with that existence.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risks and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
Right away. The longer you think about something the more likely you are to back down and regret it later.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
We are more afraid of letting ourselves and others down than making the actual mistake.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
I'd allow my personality to fully show no matter where I was and who I was with. Being judged is up there on my list of biggest fear and I find it holds me back so much when it comes to being myself.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
Last night. I listen to my own breath or the sounds of people around me every night.

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
I love so many things it would take too long to make a list. Unfortunately I probably haven't expressed my love for anything through my actions recently because I have such a hard time showing this expression that it just stays bottled up inside or on my blog that only a few people that I know, know about.

49. In five years from now will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
Of course I won't remember every day, but I do remember the important ones, or at least small things that happen everyday because that's the kind of person I am. I remember things that no one else does, either because they can't or they don't think it's important enough. Personally though I have an amazing memory and I consider so many small things important that the chances of them finding a way into my memory are very likely.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
This is once again something I'd like to say that I am doing it all myself, but I also know that it's not entirely true. I do have a say in every decision I make, but by allowing others to give me advice or opinions I am allowing my decisions to be influenced.

I hope you enjoyed reading my answers to these questions, I know I loved answering them. It rely allowed me to think about myself and calm my mind down in a way. Please feel free to answer them yourself here.

100 Things That Make Me Happy

So as part of my 101 Things in 1001 Days list, I included making a (yet another) list of 100 Things That Make Me Happy. So here goes!

100 Things That Make Me Happy

1. Elderly couples 
2. Little kids playing together
3. Good hair days
4. Family days
5. Christmas/my birthday
6. Thinking
7. Dreams
8. Dogs (especially Golden Retrievers)
9. Soccer
10. Successfully drawing two eyes
11. Blaring music and dancing when no one is home
12. Starbucks
13. Actually getting along with my siblings
14. Skiing
15. The beach
16. Roller coasters
17. Reading a book that I just can’t put down
18. Writing
19. Finding a new band that no one’s heard of and sharing my new found love
20. Walks
21. Swimming
22. Listening to people talk about what they’re passionate about
23. Finding someone who watches all of the same shows as you
24. When someone else makes your favourite meal for dinner (…tacos!)
25. Ice cream 
26. “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch
27. Looking through old pictures and remembering all the memories
28. Disney movies
29. That one song you know you’ll never stop loving 
30. Parks
31. Thinking about my childhood
32. “The Fault In Our Stars” by John Green
33. John Green in general…
34. Lipstick (seriously though!)
35. The great art of sarcasm
36. Having a strong brow game
37. Pixie dust (faith and trust too!)
38. Adventure
39. Adrenaline rushes
40. COFFEE!
41. Feelings of nostalgia (even if they make you cry)
42. Psychology
43. Learning a new smart word and having other people not know what it means
44. Room decor (yes I am a slight hoarder when it comes to decor)
45. Stumble-upon (best website EVER!)
46. Knowing you made someone’s day
47. Bike rides
48. Walks along the beach
49. Sunsets (literally though…the sky is so pretty!)
50. Attractive actors
51. Amazing music
52. When you just feel pretty
53. Finishing an essay early
54. Having one person who you don’t have to worry about judging you
55. Curling my hair
56. Learning a new life hack that actually works
57. Wearing a new shirt for the first time (a.k.a right now)
58. Not breaking your ankles when you wear heels
59. Making a new blog post
60. Putting yourself in the world of the book you’re reading
61. When you get over a mini panic attack 
62. Sound proof earphones
63. Being able to be in silence with someone and have it not be awkward
64. Getting your eyeliner even
65. Rapping bust-a-move without messing up
66. Lacey things
67. Florals
68. Beating an addictive game
69. Freshly painted nails (also know as chip free nails…)
70. Refereeing soccer and being appreciated for it
71. Taking off your bra at the end of the day
72. Being happy with the first picture you take
73. A warm day with a nice cool breeze
74. Nature
75. Netflix
76. Being an introvert, but having your really outgoing moments
77. Winning a bet
78. Guys with accents
79. Smoothies
80. Days when you just feel thankful for everything
81. Rollerblading
82. A really good salad!
83. Witty people
84. Colourful paperclips (yes I’m weird, get over it)
85. Colour coding things
86. Water
87. My fantastic memory that sometimes comes off as creepy
88. Reading at the beach
89. Having a good idea for a story
90. Superman
91. But also spiderman
92. Finding a new and awesome website
93. The first chew of gum
94. Hugs
95. The Parent Trap (and knowing every line…)
96. Sims
97. When you get your braid perfect
98. Dr. Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds 
99. New shoes
100. Finishing this list

Small Things

Recently I've found myself admiring the many small things in life. The couple holding hands that you pass by on the sidewalk in a mere 2 seconds; the leaves blowing in the wind; hearing your favourite song on the radio. The list is endless, but these are all things we often over look and don't take time to appreciate. Since I've made my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days, or possibly maybe even just before, I started to want to, and almost even crave the chances to appreciate the small things. I find impossible for me to stay inside an entire day. Just today I asked nearly everyone I knew that I thought would be free if they wanted to go to Starbuck's (though that may just be needing to fulfill my inner white girl), but failed miserably. So I grabbed my book (An Abundance of Katherine's by John Green) and took the fifteen minute bus ride just to sit in Starbuck's for an hour reading and observing the people around me. The selection was weird today, but I liked it. In front of me there were two middle aged people, who by the looks of the way the man was staring so intently into the woman's eyes as she spoke, seemed so madly in love. On one side of me an old man sat making casual conversation with the stranger that sat down on the couch next to him. He just radiated happiness. On the other side of me, a biker sat down to read the newspaper and enjoy his coffee. He was a little clumsy, nearly spilling his coffee three times, but really sweet. He made sure to smile at everyone who looked his way and apologized every time he thought he may have disturbed me and my book. When I had finished my drink and around a third of my book, I decided to leave, but rather then bussing I walked around half way home. I was really warm out and the sun and sky were beautiful. I probably would've walked all the way home had I been wearing proper shoes for walking, gladiator's have no support. By the time I finally got home I still hadn't had enough of the outdoors, so I read outside my house for around three hours before I realized I had to pick up my siblings from school. I even took a picture of the sky and put it on Instagram, again the inner white girl in me.

Now, as I sit here writing this blog for whoever happens to read it, I can't help but appreciate those people that do. I never intended for anyone to really read my blog when I created it, probably explaining why I've still only told a handful of people about it, but knowing that there are some people who do enjoy reading about what makes me, well me. I just can't help but smile. I'd consider it to be yet another one of those small under appreciated things.

Words

It's outstanding how much we let the words of others get to us, especially the negative ones. Every little bit of criticism, or rather cruelness, sticks with you for life.

Way back when, in grade six, a girl I was set on being friends with told me that freckles made people look ugly. Me being someone with a face covered in freckles took this as a personal statement and have never let it slip out of my mind, as you can tell. Due to my permanent, but not extremely noticeable, bell's palsy, I have been sporadically asked why my face looks funny, or my one eye looks as if it's twitching while I talk. Now I frequently ask people if they notice it and have even gone to the length of getting fringe to cover my eye so it's slightly less noticeable. Sounds crazy right? But it's not like I'm the only one who acts based on the opinions of others.

My question is why do we let words effect us so much? Sure it's great to get compliments, and awful to receive hateful words, but can't we just do things for ourselves? If I want to die my hair pink, so be it. If I gain 50 lbs and become overweight why should I make sure everyone else is okay with it before I am? That's right, I shouldn't. As long as I comfortable in my own body and mind, people shouldn't be able to tell me otherwise.

Before I end this blog post I'd like to state that it's not only the negative comments that I let stick with me. If you've read my post titled "Beauty", about the guy who told me I shouldn't think badly of myself and that I have the most beautiful eyes, then you should know that that is something that I will NEVER forget. Sure I may not entirely believe it because I am pessimistic realist, but there is still that tiny part of me that believes it all and that will always make me feel good about myself whenever I think about it.

I guess the main point of this is that we as people shouldn't let others get to us the way that they do. We need to be able to look past the negativity and see ourselves as beautiful, and that's coming from me.

101 Things in 1001 Days

I've recently stumbled upon what I suppose you can call a challenge, and I became determined to complete it. It's called "101 Things in 1001 Days". The idea behind this is to complete 101 realistic goals in 1001 days. So here goes mine, wish me luck!

101 Things In 1001 Days

Start Date: May 22, 2014.

End Date: February 16, 2017.

Not Started

In Progress

Completed

Can't Finish

Things Involving Food/Drink:

1.   Achieve my goal weight.

2.   Be vegetarian for a week.

3.   Try foods from 5 different cultures. (3/5)

4.   Don’t eat fast food for 1 month.

5.   Go to the gym for 20 consecutive days.

6.   Bake 5 cakes. (2/5)

7.   Learn to cook tofu. (January 2015)

8.   Give up all junk food for a week.

9.   Try a new food everyday for one week.

10.  Track everything I eat everyday for a month. 

11.  Try 5 new ice cream flavours. (1/5)

Things Involving Others:

12.  Do 5 random acts of kindness. (2/5)

13.  Plan a girls night out with my friends.

14.  Have a board game night with my roommates. (January 2015)

15.  Have my first real kiss.

16.  Pay for someone else’s meal. (June 13, 2014) -forgot to document!

17.  Go on a picnic.

18.  Join a club. (September 30, 2014) -haven't had a meeting yet

19.  Make 5 new friends. (5/5)

20.  Tell a stranger something nice about them.  (July 15, 2014) -too creepy to document..

21.  Have a conversation with someone you probably won’t see again.  (June 16, 2014) -would be creepy to document...

22.  Make an effort to have a relationship.  (September 2, 2014)

23.  Make amends with someone from my past. 

24.  Ask a random person on a date.

Things Involving Adventure: 

25.  Spend a day in Niagara Falls.

26.  Go zip lining.

27.  Watch the sunset and the sunrise in the same day.

28.  Go on a hike. (June 12, 2014)

29.  Ride a roller coaster. 

30.  Go on a Ferris Wheel.

31.  Go skiing in the States.

32.  Go rock climbing.

33.  Get my passport.

34.  Leave the country.

35.  Go on a one week vacation with someone other than my family.

36.  Try snowboarding.

37.  Go to a museum.

38.  Tour a castle. (Dundurn Castle August 2014)

39.  Ride a hot air balloon.

40.  Go to the top of the CN Tower in Toronto.

Things Involving Learning:

41.  Learn the basics of a new language. (German- September 2014-April 2015)

42.  Write a short story.

43.  Take a cooking class.

44.  Learn to play 10 different songs on the piano.

45.  Make a list of 100 things that make me happy.  (June 5, 2014)

46.  Successfully crochet something.

47.  Read an entire book in one day.

48.  Watch 5 documentaries. (1/5)

49.  Complete “50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind” (August 2014)

50.  Buy and read 5 classic books. (1/5)

51.  Truly get to know someone new. (November 2014)

52.  Learn to dance.

Things Involving Money:

53.  Redecorate my room. (September 2014)

54.  Donate $5 to charity for every item not completed on this list.

55.  Randomly buy someone something $50+. (African Dwarf Frogs October 2014)

56.  Get a steady job. (June 8, 2014)

57.  Avoid any non-school related debt.

58.  Buy a memory card for filming videos.

59.  Buy an item of furniture.

60.  Buy something from Etsy. (October 2014)

61.  Go two weeks without spending money on unnecessary things.

62.  Go all out on someone’s Christmas gift.

63.  Get braces.

64.  Buy 3 more Disney records.

65.  Start saving money for my future. 

Random Things:

66.  Give up electronic devices for one week.

67.  Go make-up free for one week. (June 29, 2014-July 5, 2014) 

68.  Draw one thing everyday for a week.

69.  Go to a psychic.

70.  Own a pet fish. (technically frogs but October 2014)

71.  Run for charity.

72.  Create an inspiration board.

73.  Watch 5 Disney movies in one day.

74.  Finish an entire TV series in one week.

75.  Write a letter to somebody.  (Sometime in May 2014) -forgot to document

76.  Successfully lucid dream.

77.  Volunteer somewhere for 3 months (June 2014-September 2014) -Gilkson Sports

78.  Keep track of my dreams for 2 weeks.

79.  Write on my blog everyday for a month.

80.  Do 50 consecutive push-ups.

81.  Document everything on the list with a picture.

82.  Attend 3 concerts.

83.  Take a picture of every season from the same spot. 

84.  Write a letter to myself for when I’m 30. (12 years from now)

85.  Go see a ballet.

86.  Inspire someone to make this list.

87.  Watch 10 classic movies I've never seen.

88.  Get a new hair style. (August 2014) -dyed red

89.  Watch Doctor Who.

90.  Don’t complain about anything for a week.

91.  Write 5 thank you notes.

92.  Go to bed every night before midnight for a week.

93.  Ask 5 friends to recommend one artist and listen to an entire album by them.

94.  Stop biting my nails.

95.  Get a manicure. (After my nails have grown)

96.  Write a letter to someone I admire. (Same thing as #75)

97.  Give a sincere compliment everyday for a month.

98.  Invite a complete stranger for coffee. (Should be in “Things Involving Others”)

99.  Say yes to everything for an entire day.

100.  See a movie by myself.

101.  Make a ginger bread house. (Should be in “Things Involving Food/Drink”) (December 6, 2014)

Life Experiences: Death

Death is something that everyone experiences at one time or another. It's one of those inevitable things that no matter how much we try to avoid it, it always shoves its way in. All death is tragic, don't get me wrong, but there is something about a child's death that just hits you that slightest bit harder in the heart. I've experienced it twice. Being 15 for one, and 17 for the other, I feel like I dealt with it a little better. When I was 15 my second cousin who had a brain tumor passed away less than three days before her fourth birthday. It was heart crushing. "Coffins shouldn't be made that small," was the only thought running through my mind in that exact moment. I was so upset over the fact that coffins need to be made that small, that I didn't, or rather couldn't, cry. It seems like a strange way of coping, but in a way it took my mind off of the real reason as to why I was there, just thinking about all the things wrong with the situation. The second time hit me a little harder. This is strange because I wasn't related to her. Again it was a brain tumor. A little girl, 9 years old, in grade 4. She was one of my sister's closest friends, despite being oone year younger. They were in the same class, a grade 2/3 split. I cooped at a time when this little girl was in another off and on stage. I distinctly remember helping my sister write letters to her when she was off school for long periods of time because of the cancer. I remember my sister telling me stories about them in gym, and how my sister would stay inside with her during recess since she couldn't go outside. It touched my heart. My sister had just started her yeear in grade 3 when we found out. My mom was the one who told us. So many feelings rushed through my mind at that moment. Sadness, anger, confusion, and denial. The funeral was the next week and the school was letting people off for the day to attend the funeral. My mom took my brother and sister, but unfortunately I wasn't able to go due to a test at my school. All I could picture was my little sister, fragile and hurt, at this little girl's funeral. She had become so close with her in such a period of time and I could tell that she admired her despite her frailness and appearance that often got her made fun of. I still can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that she is gone, especially when I see her little sister. I brings back one small memory of my sisters friend. I was in grade 7 and we were helping the kindergarteners pick out little gifts for their family at our school special christmas sale. She was holding my hand telling me about her three year old sister at home and how much she wanted to see her smile christmas morning when she opened her gift. She wanted it to be perfect. We spent 45  minutes picking out the gift that was just right and then she asked me if I could carry it up to her class with her and help her pack it up. Then I think about all the memories my sister had with her. If I was hurting so much with just one, how could she possibly be dealing with it? It's been about a year and a half and still that  question remains unanswered. Not once did I see her cry. Not once did I see her get angry. She just accepted the fact and remained calm. Maybe it was the only solution for her to cope. The day after my funeral my sister took her favourite doll and said, "This is Samantha. I never want to forget my friend." and walked away. Now she brings this doll with her everywhere she goes. I always wonder if she imagines her friend there with her when she slides down with the doll at the park, or when she dances around our room with her to the songs her teacher is teaching her in school. I want to ask, but I don't think I'll ever have the courage to bring her up to my sister.

First Year Is Done

So I've been done my first year of University for around two weeks and am back home for four months. Can anyone say kill me now? It was nice near the end of my year to come home on the weekends or even for a week when it meant being away from my awful roommate. But now that I've been back for a while it's starting to get to the "I hate it here" feeling again. I'm the kind of person who can't be around someone for a long period of time, meaning a week or more, and if you've made it to the point where you no longer bother me I applaud you. Even my own grandmother who I love to death and wouldn't be able to live without gets on my nerves after four days. It doesn't help that I notice everyones annoying habits, making it even more difficult to tolerate the human race.

For my second year of school, I've signed a lease to a house with a total of five people in it, one being a guy so it's not just five girls battling it out 'til their death. I'm hoping that since I'll have my own room and be at the school all the time with the friends that I've finally made, I'll be able to like them. From what I've seen they're very toned down with their personality, like myself, though once you get to know me you'll see otherwise! Needless to say they won't over power me with their outgoingness like my last housemates did.

I feel both accomplished and disappointed in myself when I think about this year. Yes I did it, I didn't have a complete mental breakdown, though I did come close countless times! But on the other hand, I went from being this outgoing person who had all these plans to be more myself and less awkward because I knew no one going away and I could be whoever I wanted to be, but I didn't. I became someone I hated, not even my old self. Someone who would coward away from any large social situation that my roommates went to because they were "those" girls. Either way I'm back with my old group of friends and growing back into myself slowly. Even the new friends I've made at University, who aside from one or two, I won't see until September will help me be more myself. I've finally found my place with people who have the same interests and goals as me. But at the same time I've realized that my place with my friends back home will never be lost. I consider myself to have a lot of friends, and I find myself at least somewhat close with all of them. When we go out with all of us, there are around thirty people, but within the giant group there are smaller tight knit groups and I've made my way into all but one and I am happy now because I know wherever I turn I will have someone there for me.

Beauty

Today I was hanging out with the girl I met at Starbuck's and her guy friend. Yes, it's true, I actually made a friend! And we were just eating and talking and the topic of how we accept compliments came up. She responds with a simple "Okay!" and he responds with "Why?" wanting to know why someone thinks that. I, on the other hand, reply with an insanely sarcastic, "Okay there!" That made him get kind of defensive. He asked if I thought I was beautiful and when I answered honestly with a "No." he said that made him sad. He told me that I was beautiful and leaned in and just stared me in the eyes. After a few moments he went back and said, "You have the most beautiful eyes, the colour is breathtaking." I know it was awful of me, and it's not like I meant to say it, it just kind of slipped out, but I said my usual, "Okay there!" He shook his head and asked me why. I told both of them about how when I was three, I got a condition called Bells Palsy. It's rare in children and is hardly ever permanent, I guess I was a special case. The nerve endings are killed in the left side of my face causing them to not function properly. Add that to my typical teenage girl "I'm so ugly" flaws and it can lead to a very self conscious person. Not to mention I've been feeling awful about my University weight gain. He told me once again, "You're really beautiful and it saddens me that you don't see this." My friend piped in now saying, "We'll dress you up all nice and go out and then you'll see!" He said he wanted pictures but then said he wanted to actually be there instead. The thing is, I do feel better with make-up and my new hair cut and colour, add nice clothes and I might actually feel slightly pretty. That's not what I want. I want natural beauty, I don't want to just be pretty when I wear makeup and nice clothes. I didn't tell them that because being my awkward self I just wanted to drop the conversation. And it worked until he left. He gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek (that's just what he does to everyone, in a non player kind of way) and then turned and gave me a hug and a kiss. When I went to let go he whispered in my ear, "Don't forget, you're gorgeous." All I could say was it doesn't count. He asked me if I'd ever been called beautiful. I told him, "Only by my friends, all of which are girls, and the one guy is gay. It doesn't count." he shook his head and told me that they knew what true beauty was and that he would make sure I knew how beautiful I was. I feel like whoever, if anyone, reads this will think I'm bragging in a way, but I'm not. I feel stupid saying this but I still don't believe it and I don't think I ever will be able to. I just don't know how to tell him to give up, he'll get no where.

Spur Of The Moment

I'm usually the type of person who likes to plan ahead so I can prepare for the event, but then I also like spontaneity. After a harsh day of lazing around in bed watching Gossip Girl and eating various junk foods, I got a text from a friend asking me to go to a concert with her tomorrow. Matt Webb, the guitarist of Mariana's Trench, an amazing band. I don't know his music very well, but as I'm listening to it now, I'm becoming more and more excited for the concert, which did I mention was general admission? So here I am packing my bags and buying a ticket the day before a concert in palace I'm not familiar with. Naturally I am panicking quite a bit, but I am loving the adrenaline rush I'm getting just thinking about it! There will definitely pictures to come along tomorrow or Saturday night after the concert once I'm back home!

Social Anxiety

While talking to my friend as she was working on her assignment about anxiety, which she has, and she was asking if I wanted to know about social anxiety, which I have, and I told her no because I don't like talking about. Anyways, I already knew what it was, so that's what I told her. She then proceeded to tell me that it wasn't curable, people can control it but it doesn't fully go away. This pissed me off because that's not something I want to hear, maybe she's okay with accepting that for her anxiety, but I'm not. I want to have hope that someday I can fully overcome and with her telling me that I can't makes me feel hurt and disappointed. Just today I felt like I was getting better. I don't know what possessed me to do this, but while at the coffee shop in my school a girl tried to buy a coffee with her master card, but it wasn't working and she couldn't pay. I had gotten up and offered to pay for her, something I normally wouldn't do because I'd be too nervous, but I wasn't. She then asked to sit with me and we spent three hours talking about anything that came up. We found out that we are both full of sass, love anything disney, and we both hate being involved with drama. I feel like I might just be making my first real friend at University and I think I have something to actually look forward too. I just wish I could work on telling people my feelings, that will be what I'll aim to conquer next.

Curiosity

My brain is constantly coming up with strange ideas and what if questions. What if I did that differently is the most common one. And I know I'll never know the answer because I am me and there's no changing that regardless as to how much I would love to. I'm always wondering what other people think when they see me. I'd like to think that it's positive things, but once again there's that pit of self hate within me that just knows that's far from what people are thinking. Even when someone brings up what they're thinking of, like a compliment, I turn it down as if to say no you're not allowed to think that. I have a snarky remark like, "Have you seen my face?" or "Are you blind!?" and I tell myself that they are lying to me. It's an awful habit, definitely worse than my nervous nail biting and my blossoming addiction to social media. I know it will never be broken though, even as a 60 year woman I'll be telling myself that I'm too wrinkly and old. It's inevitable. I used to think I was so good at not letting people bother me, but it turns out I was just very convincing, I never really realized how easily people could hurt me with the smallest bash, especially against my appearance. Something I've always been ashamed of due to my Bell's palsy causing the nerve endings to be damaged in half my face, resulting in an extremely unsymmetrical face that's only gotten better in the last few years. I've just come to accept that I'll never be fully rid of it and it's just a part of me. I guess all the years of refusing to cave when people bullied me, both physically and verbally in grade nine, just became a pit of insecurities that are just spilling out more and more now. It doesn't help now that I'm living with a girl who doesn't know when she goes overboard, she's just so harsh and it's the only way she talks to me, through insults. She makes me feel so ashamed to be me and then doesn't understand why I can't open up around her. That constant feeling of being judged in your own home makes it hard to be ahoy, unfortunately I've only realized this within the past few months when the comments have become unbearable. When she makes a sarcastic comment about something I'm already insecure about is the worst. My weight for instance, I asked if she could walk any heavier because she was stomping around on purpose and she came back with, "Can you be any heavier?" with her tone where you can' tell if she's joking or not, that night I spent an hour searching for quick weight loss tips. I don't think people actually realize how much words can hurt, myself included, because I know I sometimes go too far. Luckily I have friends who know I expect them to tell me when to shut up. 

Dreams

So today I was sitting in the little coffee shop in my school for at least an hour just sitting on tumblr and people watching and I've never really realized how truly screwed up my life is. I have so many goals and ambitions that I just shove down deep inside me and I'm only now beginning to recognize them. 18 years into my life, 11 years of wanting to teach, 7 years of feeling out of place, 18 years wasted. Those 18 years are years I'll never get back and the next 5 years of my life will be the same. Being brainwashed by society through education because it's the norm and it's what my parents want for me. I completely believe that their intentions are in the right place, but it's not what I want. Though what I truly want is so unrealistic that the chances of it happening are so fucking slim. I want to be able to travel around the world to the most beautiful cities to absorb the traditions and ways of living. I want to set up support systems for LGBT people to stop judgement and discrimination against them. I want to adopt a child who's been left abandoned for whatever reason and show them the love they deserve. I want to find love, the kind of love that just over powers everything, the kind of love that only exists in fairy tales. I want to volunteer with people who have a mental illness. I want to feel happiness through others. All in all I want everything I can't have. And I can't have any of it because I can't accept myself. I can't love myself. And most of all I can't be myself. I'm barely able to express my personality to my closest friend after knowing her for 7 years. I haven't been able to tell anyone that I love them, including my parents, since I was 8. Maybe it's because I don't mean it, maybe it's because I feel resentment towards everyone, maybe it's just because I have a difficult time with my feeling in general. I don't even let myself cry when I'm alone because I feel such great weakness when I do. I have it set in my mind that I have to be strong and that if I cry all my strength will just melt away. I was hoping that being in University would help me find myself, but now I just want to bury myself back deep in me because I've put this idea in my mind that I'll never be able to achieve anything I want. I wish I was still a confident little girl who dreamt of being a singer and a teacher with an amazing imagination that helped her occupy for those many hours spent alone. I went through a phase during high school where I thought that if I didn't become too close with people I'd never be hurt. I set up barriers and limits, I didn't allow any physical contact and now that I'm ready to come out of that it's made it so much more difficult. I want people to hug me and just hold me so I can feel truly cared for, but I have no idea how to break the barrier I've set up since it's so difficult for me to tell people how I feel. It makes it especially difficult because I feel as if I have to be the strong one. I can't share my problems with other people when I know that they have their own problems weighing them down,  they don't need mine added on to that. I'd rather just help others deal with their problems rather than open up my own, I just burry them down deeper and deeper each and every day I go on. It's bad. I know it's bad. I can feel it just tearing me a part slowly making me feel more and more depressed each day. Thoughts of just ending it all have come to mind and the only reason I haven't acted on it is because I know that there are a handful of people out there that need me. People that have so much trouble with themselves that dumping that on them would make it unbearable. In a way it sounds cocky, but I know it's true. I do know that there are two or three people who do care about me enough that it would be too much of a build up on their problems that it would make it just that much more difficult to deal with. At least one person needs me, that much I know for sure, and the saddest part is it's not even family. But it's all I've got to go on so for now my problems will continue to be burried up inside and I'll deal with them when it's just too much for me to bear with any longer.

People Change

There was a falling out recently with one of my old high school friends and it helped me realize how much people can change in so little time. Since University has started I've noticed myself being a lot more easily annoyed, sarcastic, and socially awkward. Basically I don't like it at all, minus the sarcastic sassy side since that's always been there, it's just more enhanced now. I thought that coming to University I would be more mature, outgoing, and confident. Oh how that one failed. It's hard to think how things might of been had I acted just that little bit different on the first day. I probably would've made more friends and I probably wouldn't be sitting in my room 24/7. It's kind of pathetic. Recently I've been trying to go out more, but it's hard because this late in the year everyone already has their friends. This is going to be one of those things you regret for your entire life, I have lots of those moments already so what's one more? Something you won't be able to stop thinking about, wondering if it would have been better if you had just done that one thing differently. I am one of those people who has so many regrets that they can't even count on all of their toes and fingers put together. The amount of regrets I have from this year alone is insane. For one, I regret the whole decision to open up on the first day to the girls I live with. All that happened was a long lasting joke about my fear of feelings and socializing. I don't think I've ever felt so judged by a group of people in my life. It continues to this day, that constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind that everything I say or do is being judged. I try and act the way the rest of the girls in my house do, but I can't. It's not me. There's just this awkward presence that I give off. In high school I considered myself to be somewhat outgoing. Someone who would do anything they were dared to do. I was loud and obnoxious. Sure I wasn't in the "popular" crowd, but that didn't matter to me. All I cared about was the fact that I had friends who made me happy, who influenced me to be no one but myself. I don't have that here at University. I literally live in constant fear of being judged, for the way I sleep, the way I talk, the way I eat. It's just a mix of everything. When i FaceTime with my best friend I get the weirdest looks for both our conversations and the fact that we can both just sit there in silence doing our own thing. They don't understand the fact that I am comfortable talking to her or any of my old friends. Sure it may seem weird, the amount of time I spend on FaceTime, but I wouldn't be on that much if I could feel just as comfortable with them. Everyday I look back and wish I could be the same way I was in high school. Maybe I just have trouble making friends. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. Small talk all the time is just annoying I find. Either way I am so excited for this year to be over and part of me doesn't want to come back after this, maybe I'll just drop our and disappoint everyone in my life. At least then I could stay in my hometown and be with the people who I truly care about and who truly care about me. But I doubt that'll happen.

Quick Update

So recently there has been a lot of tension in my house at school, mainly between the girl I share a room with and myself. This all blew up last weekend and the next day we sat down with our entire house and let it all out, making rules in the process. So far it's been alright, yes she is back to annoying the shit out of me, but I'm dealing with it. I've been trying to come more out of my social awkwardness and join in conversations more and it's been working out. I wish I could've done this a lot earlier because it would have prevented most of the problems in my house. Either way I suppose things have been getting a little better now that everything is off of our chests, but I'm sure there will still be another blow up. I guess that's it for now, I wasn't really sure what to write about and I felt like I should write since I want to keep my blog somewhat updated. So...yeah.

Something Good

I was finally able to talk to two of my housemates and I feel a little better. It turns out that I was overthinking everything, of course, and that none of the exclusion was intentional, the sarcastic comments are 95% jokes, and we have a movie and dinner night planned for later this week. I guess all in all it's just better for me to talk about my feelings no matter how hard it may be. I also have to put more effort in when it comes to talking to people. I can't just sit around waiting for people to come to me, I have to work just as hard to make friends.

Do People In My Life Like Me?

Recently I've been going over all the relationships I've had with people; my sister, my dad, my best friend, even the acquaintances I've met throughout my years. I've been starting to wonder if any of them actually feel the same way back. I'm the kind of person that blocks people out and can be very quick in saying something that I'll regret, something that could end an entire friendship, this I speak from experience, or rather experiences. The people that I live with here at school were people I thought I could be close with, it turns out I was quite wrong. Coming to university I had a clear slate, no one knew who I was or who I wanted to be and that was how I liked it. I told myself that I would be different. I'd be outgoing, fun, positive, and not as sarcastic. boy was I wrong. I ended up being pretty much the same and it didn't really work out for me. When I talk to people about University, I refer to the girls I live with as my friends, but I'm not too sure it's true and if I'm questioning it, surely the other girls here don't believe it.
I FaceTime my best friend, Brenda, nearly everyday and my roommate makes fun of me for it, saying I'm a lesbian, that we're married, that I want to make love to her, but truth is the only reason I talk to her so much, besides the fact that we've always talked a lot, is that I don't feel as lonely with her there. I don't feel like crying every second I'm sitting at my desk when she's there and I find myself laughing and smiling.
This weekend coming up I've asked my friend Mike to come up and visit me, he's very good at reading people, actually he's kind of psychic and I guess I'm hoping that he can sense that something's wrong. Maybe even force me to tell him.
I've never been very good at keeping a diary, I always give up after a few weeks, but I feel like writing on this blog is good for me. It gives me a chance to share what I'm feeling, even if very few people read it.

Venting

Quick note: This post was made mainly for me just to let out my feelings so they don't stay all bottled up. it may make no sense and be annoying to read, but this entire blog is for myself. I can't do feelings and this is my way of letting them out.

I'm the kind of person that has amazing confidence when I'm with my friends, but by myself or with people I'm not as comfortable with I'm the girl that is so terrified of being judged that I end up in the corner observing the conversation rather than participating. I feel like the longer I stay at University the more socially awkward and annoying I get. At first it seemed so welcoming here and now I'm so terrified to even hang out with the people I live with because I either feel judged or left out. It doesn't help that I have intimacy issues that prevent from being able to talk about my feelings. It's come to the point where I can't even force myself to. I used to just build up enough courage to send a text asking someone to come and talk and than I have to tall them at least something, but now I can't even do that. The entire summer before coming here I told myself that things would be different. That I would be confident. Outgoing. At least happy. And I was happy for the first bit. Now though I find myself crying and sitting alone in my room with the door locked. I hated going home too at first but now I look forward to it and dread it at the same time. Yes I still find it miserable, but at least I know I'm somewhat appreciated there. I can be myself and sure my sister will through in a comment and my dad will insult me (jokingly of course, but sometimes hurtful) but at least I'm me. I've noticed I've changed a lot and even though I do like my new music and clothing taste there are times that I wonder if I changed because I'm maturing and finding out more of who I am or if I did it to fit in. Maybe both. I can't even begin to explain how much I want and need to talk to someone about this, but I can't. I can't build up enough courage to share with someone and I sure as hell won't be able to look them in the eye if I do. I know something is more wrong with me know then before and I know I need to do something before it gets worse, but the chances of that happening aren't very high. The fact that I'm losing my ability to keep it in. I used to cry maybe once a month and always at night when I let my mind wander. Now I get up to go for food and I break down in tears, lock the door, and write this. Maybe this is my minds way of getting me to cry out for help, but I know that it's mentally impossible for me to do.

Thank you if you read this and made it to the end.

Loneliness

Hey whoever happens to read this post, it's been quite a while since I've written anything here, but I really needed somewhere to vent and I am awful with sharing feelings out loud so this is the next best thing. Anyways, I've been feeling so insanely lonely here at University and I don't know why. I guess I just don't feel like I've managed to make any friends. Sure I have people that I talk to and will go hang out with, but none of those long lasting friendships that everyone expects to make in University. I live in a house with four other girls and share a room with one of them but I spend most of the day by myself because I can't really connect with them. Two of them were best friends before coming and the other two clicked automatically. Everyone is just so comfortable with each other and I really haven't gotten to that stage. They are all fine with making silly faces with each other and joking around, doing embarrassing things that they won't be judged for, but I can't. When I even think of making a fool of myself I think of all the bullying I went through in elementary school for being myself, that's all I was doing and people just thought it was strange even though i was happy.It doesn't help the fact that I feel like I'm being annoying or a bother when i ask them to do something with me. I guess I really just wish I could be the same person I am with my friends back home and I couldn't want the school year to end more than I do right now.