Recently I've been going over all the relationships I've had with people; my sister, my dad, my best friend, even the acquaintances I've met throughout my years. I've been starting to wonder if any of them actually feel the same way back. I'm the kind of person that blocks people out and can be very quick in saying something that I'll regret, something that could end an entire friendship, this I speak from experience, or rather experiences. The people that I live with here at school were people I thought I could be close with, it turns out I was quite wrong. Coming to university I had a clear slate, no one knew who I was or who I wanted to be and that was how I liked it. I told myself that I would be different. I'd be outgoing, fun, positive, and not as sarcastic. boy was I wrong. I ended up being pretty much the same and it didn't really work out for me. When I talk to people about University, I refer to the girls I live with as my friends, but I'm not too sure it's true and if I'm questioning it, surely the other girls here don't believe it.
I FaceTime my best friend, Brenda, nearly everyday and my roommate makes fun of me for it, saying I'm a lesbian, that we're married, that I want to make love to her, but truth is the only reason I talk to her so much, besides the fact that we've always talked a lot, is that I don't feel as lonely with her there. I don't feel like crying every second I'm sitting at my desk when she's there and I find myself laughing and smiling.
This weekend coming up I've asked my friend Mike to come up and visit me, he's very good at reading people, actually he's kind of psychic and I guess I'm hoping that he can sense that something's wrong. Maybe even force me to tell him.
I've never been very good at keeping a diary, I always give up after a few weeks, but I feel like writing on this blog is good for me. It gives me a chance to share what I'm feeling, even if very few people read it.
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