Dreams

So today I was sitting in the little coffee shop in my school for at least an hour just sitting on tumblr and people watching and I've never really realized how truly screwed up my life is. I have so many goals and ambitions that I just shove down deep inside me and I'm only now beginning to recognize them. 18 years into my life, 11 years of wanting to teach, 7 years of feeling out of place, 18 years wasted. Those 18 years are years I'll never get back and the next 5 years of my life will be the same. Being brainwashed by society through education because it's the norm and it's what my parents want for me. I completely believe that their intentions are in the right place, but it's not what I want. Though what I truly want is so unrealistic that the chances of it happening are so fucking slim. I want to be able to travel around the world to the most beautiful cities to absorb the traditions and ways of living. I want to set up support systems for LGBT people to stop judgement and discrimination against them. I want to adopt a child who's been left abandoned for whatever reason and show them the love they deserve. I want to find love, the kind of love that just over powers everything, the kind of love that only exists in fairy tales. I want to volunteer with people who have a mental illness. I want to feel happiness through others. All in all I want everything I can't have. And I can't have any of it because I can't accept myself. I can't love myself. And most of all I can't be myself. I'm barely able to express my personality to my closest friend after knowing her for 7 years. I haven't been able to tell anyone that I love them, including my parents, since I was 8. Maybe it's because I don't mean it, maybe it's because I feel resentment towards everyone, maybe it's just because I have a difficult time with my feeling in general. I don't even let myself cry when I'm alone because I feel such great weakness when I do. I have it set in my mind that I have to be strong and that if I cry all my strength will just melt away. I was hoping that being in University would help me find myself, but now I just want to bury myself back deep in me because I've put this idea in my mind that I'll never be able to achieve anything I want. I wish I was still a confident little girl who dreamt of being a singer and a teacher with an amazing imagination that helped her occupy for those many hours spent alone. I went through a phase during high school where I thought that if I didn't become too close with people I'd never be hurt. I set up barriers and limits, I didn't allow any physical contact and now that I'm ready to come out of that it's made it so much more difficult. I want people to hug me and just hold me so I can feel truly cared for, but I have no idea how to break the barrier I've set up since it's so difficult for me to tell people how I feel. It makes it especially difficult because I feel as if I have to be the strong one. I can't share my problems with other people when I know that they have their own problems weighing them down,  they don't need mine added on to that. I'd rather just help others deal with their problems rather than open up my own, I just burry them down deeper and deeper each and every day I go on. It's bad. I know it's bad. I can feel it just tearing me a part slowly making me feel more and more depressed each day. Thoughts of just ending it all have come to mind and the only reason I haven't acted on it is because I know that there are a handful of people out there that need me. People that have so much trouble with themselves that dumping that on them would make it unbearable. In a way it sounds cocky, but I know it's true. I do know that there are two or three people who do care about me enough that it would be too much of a build up on their problems that it would make it just that much more difficult to deal with. At least one person needs me, that much I know for sure, and the saddest part is it's not even family. But it's all I've got to go on so for now my problems will continue to be burried up inside and I'll deal with them when it's just too much for me to bear with any longer.