Beauty

Today I was hanging out with the girl I met at Starbuck's and her guy friend. Yes, it's true, I actually made a friend! And we were just eating and talking and the topic of how we accept compliments came up. She responds with a simple "Okay!" and he responds with "Why?" wanting to know why someone thinks that. I, on the other hand, reply with an insanely sarcastic, "Okay there!" That made him get kind of defensive. He asked if I thought I was beautiful and when I answered honestly with a "No." he said that made him sad. He told me that I was beautiful and leaned in and just stared me in the eyes. After a few moments he went back and said, "You have the most beautiful eyes, the colour is breathtaking." I know it was awful of me, and it's not like I meant to say it, it just kind of slipped out, but I said my usual, "Okay there!" He shook his head and asked me why. I told both of them about how when I was three, I got a condition called Bells Palsy. It's rare in children and is hardly ever permanent, I guess I was a special case. The nerve endings are killed in the left side of my face causing them to not function properly. Add that to my typical teenage girl "I'm so ugly" flaws and it can lead to a very self conscious person. Not to mention I've been feeling awful about my University weight gain. He told me once again, "You're really beautiful and it saddens me that you don't see this." My friend piped in now saying, "We'll dress you up all nice and go out and then you'll see!" He said he wanted pictures but then said he wanted to actually be there instead. The thing is, I do feel better with make-up and my new hair cut and colour, add nice clothes and I might actually feel slightly pretty. That's not what I want. I want natural beauty, I don't want to just be pretty when I wear makeup and nice clothes. I didn't tell them that because being my awkward self I just wanted to drop the conversation. And it worked until he left. He gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek (that's just what he does to everyone, in a non player kind of way) and then turned and gave me a hug and a kiss. When I went to let go he whispered in my ear, "Don't forget, you're gorgeous." All I could say was it doesn't count. He asked me if I'd ever been called beautiful. I told him, "Only by my friends, all of which are girls, and the one guy is gay. It doesn't count." he shook his head and told me that they knew what true beauty was and that he would make sure I knew how beautiful I was. I feel like whoever, if anyone, reads this will think I'm bragging in a way, but I'm not. I feel stupid saying this but I still don't believe it and I don't think I ever will be able to. I just don't know how to tell him to give up, he'll get no where.

Spur Of The Moment

I'm usually the type of person who likes to plan ahead so I can prepare for the event, but then I also like spontaneity. After a harsh day of lazing around in bed watching Gossip Girl and eating various junk foods, I got a text from a friend asking me to go to a concert with her tomorrow. Matt Webb, the guitarist of Mariana's Trench, an amazing band. I don't know his music very well, but as I'm listening to it now, I'm becoming more and more excited for the concert, which did I mention was general admission? So here I am packing my bags and buying a ticket the day before a concert in palace I'm not familiar with. Naturally I am panicking quite a bit, but I am loving the adrenaline rush I'm getting just thinking about it! There will definitely pictures to come along tomorrow or Saturday night after the concert once I'm back home!

Social Anxiety

While talking to my friend as she was working on her assignment about anxiety, which she has, and she was asking if I wanted to know about social anxiety, which I have, and I told her no because I don't like talking about. Anyways, I already knew what it was, so that's what I told her. She then proceeded to tell me that it wasn't curable, people can control it but it doesn't fully go away. This pissed me off because that's not something I want to hear, maybe she's okay with accepting that for her anxiety, but I'm not. I want to have hope that someday I can fully overcome and with her telling me that I can't makes me feel hurt and disappointed. Just today I felt like I was getting better. I don't know what possessed me to do this, but while at the coffee shop in my school a girl tried to buy a coffee with her master card, but it wasn't working and she couldn't pay. I had gotten up and offered to pay for her, something I normally wouldn't do because I'd be too nervous, but I wasn't. She then asked to sit with me and we spent three hours talking about anything that came up. We found out that we are both full of sass, love anything disney, and we both hate being involved with drama. I feel like I might just be making my first real friend at University and I think I have something to actually look forward too. I just wish I could work on telling people my feelings, that will be what I'll aim to conquer next.

Curiosity

My brain is constantly coming up with strange ideas and what if questions. What if I did that differently is the most common one. And I know I'll never know the answer because I am me and there's no changing that regardless as to how much I would love to. I'm always wondering what other people think when they see me. I'd like to think that it's positive things, but once again there's that pit of self hate within me that just knows that's far from what people are thinking. Even when someone brings up what they're thinking of, like a compliment, I turn it down as if to say no you're not allowed to think that. I have a snarky remark like, "Have you seen my face?" or "Are you blind!?" and I tell myself that they are lying to me. It's an awful habit, definitely worse than my nervous nail biting and my blossoming addiction to social media. I know it will never be broken though, even as a 60 year woman I'll be telling myself that I'm too wrinkly and old. It's inevitable. I used to think I was so good at not letting people bother me, but it turns out I was just very convincing, I never really realized how easily people could hurt me with the smallest bash, especially against my appearance. Something I've always been ashamed of due to my Bell's palsy causing the nerve endings to be damaged in half my face, resulting in an extremely unsymmetrical face that's only gotten better in the last few years. I've just come to accept that I'll never be fully rid of it and it's just a part of me. I guess all the years of refusing to cave when people bullied me, both physically and verbally in grade nine, just became a pit of insecurities that are just spilling out more and more now. It doesn't help now that I'm living with a girl who doesn't know when she goes overboard, she's just so harsh and it's the only way she talks to me, through insults. She makes me feel so ashamed to be me and then doesn't understand why I can't open up around her. That constant feeling of being judged in your own home makes it hard to be ahoy, unfortunately I've only realized this within the past few months when the comments have become unbearable. When she makes a sarcastic comment about something I'm already insecure about is the worst. My weight for instance, I asked if she could walk any heavier because she was stomping around on purpose and she came back with, "Can you be any heavier?" with her tone where you can' tell if she's joking or not, that night I spent an hour searching for quick weight loss tips. I don't think people actually realize how much words can hurt, myself included, because I know I sometimes go too far. Luckily I have friends who know I expect them to tell me when to shut up. 

Dreams

So today I was sitting in the little coffee shop in my school for at least an hour just sitting on tumblr and people watching and I've never really realized how truly screwed up my life is. I have so many goals and ambitions that I just shove down deep inside me and I'm only now beginning to recognize them. 18 years into my life, 11 years of wanting to teach, 7 years of feeling out of place, 18 years wasted. Those 18 years are years I'll never get back and the next 5 years of my life will be the same. Being brainwashed by society through education because it's the norm and it's what my parents want for me. I completely believe that their intentions are in the right place, but it's not what I want. Though what I truly want is so unrealistic that the chances of it happening are so fucking slim. I want to be able to travel around the world to the most beautiful cities to absorb the traditions and ways of living. I want to set up support systems for LGBT people to stop judgement and discrimination against them. I want to adopt a child who's been left abandoned for whatever reason and show them the love they deserve. I want to find love, the kind of love that just over powers everything, the kind of love that only exists in fairy tales. I want to volunteer with people who have a mental illness. I want to feel happiness through others. All in all I want everything I can't have. And I can't have any of it because I can't accept myself. I can't love myself. And most of all I can't be myself. I'm barely able to express my personality to my closest friend after knowing her for 7 years. I haven't been able to tell anyone that I love them, including my parents, since I was 8. Maybe it's because I don't mean it, maybe it's because I feel resentment towards everyone, maybe it's just because I have a difficult time with my feeling in general. I don't even let myself cry when I'm alone because I feel such great weakness when I do. I have it set in my mind that I have to be strong and that if I cry all my strength will just melt away. I was hoping that being in University would help me find myself, but now I just want to bury myself back deep in me because I've put this idea in my mind that I'll never be able to achieve anything I want. I wish I was still a confident little girl who dreamt of being a singer and a teacher with an amazing imagination that helped her occupy for those many hours spent alone. I went through a phase during high school where I thought that if I didn't become too close with people I'd never be hurt. I set up barriers and limits, I didn't allow any physical contact and now that I'm ready to come out of that it's made it so much more difficult. I want people to hug me and just hold me so I can feel truly cared for, but I have no idea how to break the barrier I've set up since it's so difficult for me to tell people how I feel. It makes it especially difficult because I feel as if I have to be the strong one. I can't share my problems with other people when I know that they have their own problems weighing them down,  they don't need mine added on to that. I'd rather just help others deal with their problems rather than open up my own, I just burry them down deeper and deeper each and every day I go on. It's bad. I know it's bad. I can feel it just tearing me a part slowly making me feel more and more depressed each day. Thoughts of just ending it all have come to mind and the only reason I haven't acted on it is because I know that there are a handful of people out there that need me. People that have so much trouble with themselves that dumping that on them would make it unbearable. In a way it sounds cocky, but I know it's true. I do know that there are two or three people who do care about me enough that it would be too much of a build up on their problems that it would make it just that much more difficult to deal with. At least one person needs me, that much I know for sure, and the saddest part is it's not even family. But it's all I've got to go on so for now my problems will continue to be burried up inside and I'll deal with them when it's just too much for me to bear with any longer.