Venting

Quick note: This post was made mainly for me just to let out my feelings so they don't stay all bottled up. it may make no sense and be annoying to read, but this entire blog is for myself. I can't do feelings and this is my way of letting them out.

I'm the kind of person that has amazing confidence when I'm with my friends, but by myself or with people I'm not as comfortable with I'm the girl that is so terrified of being judged that I end up in the corner observing the conversation rather than participating. I feel like the longer I stay at University the more socially awkward and annoying I get. At first it seemed so welcoming here and now I'm so terrified to even hang out with the people I live with because I either feel judged or left out. It doesn't help that I have intimacy issues that prevent from being able to talk about my feelings. It's come to the point where I can't even force myself to. I used to just build up enough courage to send a text asking someone to come and talk and than I have to tall them at least something, but now I can't even do that. The entire summer before coming here I told myself that things would be different. That I would be confident. Outgoing. At least happy. And I was happy for the first bit. Now though I find myself crying and sitting alone in my room with the door locked. I hated going home too at first but now I look forward to it and dread it at the same time. Yes I still find it miserable, but at least I know I'm somewhat appreciated there. I can be myself and sure my sister will through in a comment and my dad will insult me (jokingly of course, but sometimes hurtful) but at least I'm me. I've noticed I've changed a lot and even though I do like my new music and clothing taste there are times that I wonder if I changed because I'm maturing and finding out more of who I am or if I did it to fit in. Maybe both. I can't even begin to explain how much I want and need to talk to someone about this, but I can't. I can't build up enough courage to share with someone and I sure as hell won't be able to look them in the eye if I do. I know something is more wrong with me know then before and I know I need to do something before it gets worse, but the chances of that happening aren't very high. The fact that I'm losing my ability to keep it in. I used to cry maybe once a month and always at night when I let my mind wander. Now I get up to go for food and I break down in tears, lock the door, and write this. Maybe this is my minds way of getting me to cry out for help, but I know that it's mentally impossible for me to do.

Thank you if you read this and made it to the end.