People Change

There was a falling out recently with one of my old high school friends and it helped me realize how much people can change in so little time. Since University has started I've noticed myself being a lot more easily annoyed, sarcastic, and socially awkward. Basically I don't like it at all, minus the sarcastic sassy side since that's always been there, it's just more enhanced now. I thought that coming to University I would be more mature, outgoing, and confident. Oh how that one failed. It's hard to think how things might of been had I acted just that little bit different on the first day. I probably would've made more friends and I probably wouldn't be sitting in my room 24/7. It's kind of pathetic. Recently I've been trying to go out more, but it's hard because this late in the year everyone already has their friends. This is going to be one of those things you regret for your entire life, I have lots of those moments already so what's one more? Something you won't be able to stop thinking about, wondering if it would have been better if you had just done that one thing differently. I am one of those people who has so many regrets that they can't even count on all of their toes and fingers put together. The amount of regrets I have from this year alone is insane. For one, I regret the whole decision to open up on the first day to the girls I live with. All that happened was a long lasting joke about my fear of feelings and socializing. I don't think I've ever felt so judged by a group of people in my life. It continues to this day, that constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind that everything I say or do is being judged. I try and act the way the rest of the girls in my house do, but I can't. It's not me. There's just this awkward presence that I give off. In high school I considered myself to be somewhat outgoing. Someone who would do anything they were dared to do. I was loud and obnoxious. Sure I wasn't in the "popular" crowd, but that didn't matter to me. All I cared about was the fact that I had friends who made me happy, who influenced me to be no one but myself. I don't have that here at University. I literally live in constant fear of being judged, for the way I sleep, the way I talk, the way I eat. It's just a mix of everything. When i FaceTime with my best friend I get the weirdest looks for both our conversations and the fact that we can both just sit there in silence doing our own thing. They don't understand the fact that I am comfortable talking to her or any of my old friends. Sure it may seem weird, the amount of time I spend on FaceTime, but I wouldn't be on that much if I could feel just as comfortable with them. Everyday I look back and wish I could be the same way I was in high school. Maybe I just have trouble making friends. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. Small talk all the time is just annoying I find. Either way I am so excited for this year to be over and part of me doesn't want to come back after this, maybe I'll just drop our and disappoint everyone in my life. At least then I could stay in my hometown and be with the people who I truly care about and who truly care about me. But I doubt that'll happen.

Quick Update

So recently there has been a lot of tension in my house at school, mainly between the girl I share a room with and myself. This all blew up last weekend and the next day we sat down with our entire house and let it all out, making rules in the process. So far it's been alright, yes she is back to annoying the shit out of me, but I'm dealing with it. I've been trying to come more out of my social awkwardness and join in conversations more and it's been working out. I wish I could've done this a lot earlier because it would have prevented most of the problems in my house. Either way I suppose things have been getting a little better now that everything is off of our chests, but I'm sure there will still be another blow up. I guess that's it for now, I wasn't really sure what to write about and I felt like I should write since I want to keep my blog somewhat updated. So...yeah.